Today has been one month. This past month has been difficult, heart breaking and just plain exhausting. The pain I have endured has been unbearable but is slowly becoming manageable. There is not a moment that goes by that I do not think of Justin, and how my life is going to be from now on. I don't want to live my life without Justin..we were suppose to grow old together. This is not fair. Why did this have to happen to me?
As I sit here in my quiet house while our children are sleeping, all I can think of is how much I want Justin back. How I don't want this life that I now have. I want my old life back. I want my husband back. I want my children's father back. I want something that can never be.
I do take comfort in knowing that I will be back together with Justin one day years from now, and knowing that Justin lives on in my heart.
I love and miss you, Justin!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
The aftermath..
It will be one month tomorrow. It will be one month tomorrow that my husband, my children's father died in a horrible accident.
This past month has been a blur. We had Justin's private service on March 1, 2012. And from what I remember and what I am told, it was a lovely service. It was Justin's last wishes that all of his family and friends come together and celebrate his life, and we did that proudly on March 2.
The squadron memorial was held on March 2 and was also done very nicely. It was very difficult sitting through two memorials.
I have had amazing support this month, and truth be told...my initial reaction was to pick up and move...to get away from it all. However, I do not want to remove Avery and Jacob from the only thing the know, as well as be to far away from Justin's family. I have committed to staying in our home for the time being.
I am a strong person, and the kids and I will get through this. Right now, I am angry. Angry for being left alone. Angry at the Marine Corps for taking my husband and my kids' father from us, and angry at Justin for leaving us. There I said it..I am mad at Justin for leaving me to care for our two children by myself, to take care of everything that you have to take care of in life. I cry every day and I cry harder when Avery tells me that it will be ok and that we will see daddy again one day.
I know this accident was in no way shape or form Justin's fault. It was an accident. But I am allowed to feel how I feel.
I love Justin with all my heart, and miss him deeply. My heart aches knowing that our children will grow up with out him being here. My heart aches knowing that I won't get to spend the rest of MY life with him..but I take comfort in knowing that Justin spent the rest of HIS life with me.
I love you, baby!!
This past month has been a blur. We had Justin's private service on March 1, 2012. And from what I remember and what I am told, it was a lovely service. It was Justin's last wishes that all of his family and friends come together and celebrate his life, and we did that proudly on March 2.
The squadron memorial was held on March 2 and was also done very nicely. It was very difficult sitting through two memorials.
I have had amazing support this month, and truth be told...my initial reaction was to pick up and move...to get away from it all. However, I do not want to remove Avery and Jacob from the only thing the know, as well as be to far away from Justin's family. I have committed to staying in our home for the time being.
I am a strong person, and the kids and I will get through this. Right now, I am angry. Angry for being left alone. Angry at the Marine Corps for taking my husband and my kids' father from us, and angry at Justin for leaving us. There I said it..I am mad at Justin for leaving me to care for our two children by myself, to take care of everything that you have to take care of in life. I cry every day and I cry harder when Avery tells me that it will be ok and that we will see daddy again one day.
I know this accident was in no way shape or form Justin's fault. It was an accident. But I am allowed to feel how I feel.
I love Justin with all my heart, and miss him deeply. My heart aches knowing that our children will grow up with out him being here. My heart aches knowing that I won't get to spend the rest of MY life with him..but I take comfort in knowing that Justin spent the rest of HIS life with me.
I love you, baby!!
The day my life was thrown upside down
February 22, 2012.
It was like any other day. Justin had to fly late that day, so we loaded the kids up and went to the gym together that morning. Justin was so proud of me for getting into shape. I worked out with my trainer and he did is own thing. After I was done with my appointment, he walked with me to get the kids so he could give them a kiss and tell them he loved them since he wouldn't be seeing them later on. I kissed him one more time, and we left.
The kids and I went on about our day, and the day wore into the night. Avery started getting sick, and I video Jacob dancing to Yo Gabba Gabba. I texted Justin through out the day, and the last text he sent me was "Glad she is feeling better, gotta go fly now. Luv u." That was just after 5pm that day. I was in the middle of something, so I didn't text back right away, then I forgot. I didn't even get to tell Justin that I loved him back.
I didn't go to bed that night until late.
February 23, 2010
Jacob woke up at 4 in the morning and I put him in bed with me, and I noticed that Justin wasn't home yet. I would leave our bedroom door open, and when Justin would get home..he would close it. It was still open, so I got up to double check..thinking that he was so tired that he just forgot. He wasn't on the couch. I called his phone..it went straight to voicemail. I called his work..no answer. I didn't get a text from him saying that they got stuck somewhere..which I usually did if he couldn't make it home. I had texted our friend at 4:30am to see if once he got to work to find out if Justin got stuck somewhere and to let me know if he was alright. He said that he would. After not hearing back from our friend for several hours, I called him to see if he knew where Justin was. He tried to not tell me, but he in directly did when he said "Damnit, Holly..why did you have to call me. Someone is one their way to your house now."
I now know...that our friend had already knew what had happened.
I immediately hung up the phone, ran to my sister, Kaila's room telling her that something had happened to Justin. I told her what our friend had said. I called my dad seeking reassurance that I was over-reacting, and my other sister, Caelli to let her know that something had happened but I didn't know what. You see, Caelli is a police office and works nights, and I didn't want her to go to sleep if something bad had happened. I think I knew deep down already and that is why I called her.
It's just before 7am, and no one is at my house yet..so I googled helicopter crash. I read the article about a mid-air collision in Yuma, AZ killing all 7 service members and I told Kaila..."this can't be a coincidence."
I didn't scream, I didn't cry, I just knew that my husband was one of those 7.
Three uniformed Marines along with our friend arrive at my home. I met them outside, stating I already know..just what happened. I think I may have shocked them. One of them gave me the dreaded speech "Ma'am...I am sorry to inform you that your husband died"...who needs a speech when uniform Marines you don't know show up at your house. I refused to let them in...I thought...if I don't let them in..it is not real.
They asked me if they could come inside, and as we were walking up to the house, I told Kaila to call our dad. They spoke some more..introducing themselves like we were going to be friends. I remember I kept asking if they were sure. Then I threw up. I remember asking our friend..what am I doing to do? My kids just lost their father. What am I going to do?
Within that day, my three sisters, parents, and two of my brother-in-laws were by my side.
It was like any other day. Justin had to fly late that day, so we loaded the kids up and went to the gym together that morning. Justin was so proud of me for getting into shape. I worked out with my trainer and he did is own thing. After I was done with my appointment, he walked with me to get the kids so he could give them a kiss and tell them he loved them since he wouldn't be seeing them later on. I kissed him one more time, and we left.
The kids and I went on about our day, and the day wore into the night. Avery started getting sick, and I video Jacob dancing to Yo Gabba Gabba. I texted Justin through out the day, and the last text he sent me was "Glad she is feeling better, gotta go fly now. Luv u." That was just after 5pm that day. I was in the middle of something, so I didn't text back right away, then I forgot. I didn't even get to tell Justin that I loved him back.
I didn't go to bed that night until late.
February 23, 2010
Jacob woke up at 4 in the morning and I put him in bed with me, and I noticed that Justin wasn't home yet. I would leave our bedroom door open, and when Justin would get home..he would close it. It was still open, so I got up to double check..thinking that he was so tired that he just forgot. He wasn't on the couch. I called his phone..it went straight to voicemail. I called his work..no answer. I didn't get a text from him saying that they got stuck somewhere..which I usually did if he couldn't make it home. I had texted our friend at 4:30am to see if once he got to work to find out if Justin got stuck somewhere and to let me know if he was alright. He said that he would. After not hearing back from our friend for several hours, I called him to see if he knew where Justin was. He tried to not tell me, but he in directly did when he said "Damnit, Holly..why did you have to call me. Someone is one their way to your house now."
I now know...that our friend had already knew what had happened.
I immediately hung up the phone, ran to my sister, Kaila's room telling her that something had happened to Justin. I told her what our friend had said. I called my dad seeking reassurance that I was over-reacting, and my other sister, Caelli to let her know that something had happened but I didn't know what. You see, Caelli is a police office and works nights, and I didn't want her to go to sleep if something bad had happened. I think I knew deep down already and that is why I called her.
It's just before 7am, and no one is at my house yet..so I googled helicopter crash. I read the article about a mid-air collision in Yuma, AZ killing all 7 service members and I told Kaila..."this can't be a coincidence."
I didn't scream, I didn't cry, I just knew that my husband was one of those 7.
Three uniformed Marines along with our friend arrive at my home. I met them outside, stating I already know..just what happened. I think I may have shocked them. One of them gave me the dreaded speech "Ma'am...I am sorry to inform you that your husband died"...who needs a speech when uniform Marines you don't know show up at your house. I refused to let them in...I thought...if I don't let them in..it is not real.
They asked me if they could come inside, and as we were walking up to the house, I told Kaila to call our dad. They spoke some more..introducing themselves like we were going to be friends. I remember I kept asking if they were sure. Then I threw up. I remember asking our friend..what am I doing to do? My kids just lost their father. What am I going to do?
Within that day, my three sisters, parents, and two of my brother-in-laws were by my side.
Living life
Things were great once Justin returned home. Life couldn't have been better. I had decided I wanted to become a surrogate in Feb. 2011, and Justin supported my decision 110%. The surrogacy pregnancy was rough on me, and Justin was my biggest supporter. He would come home after a long hard day of work, feed the kids, give them baths, and do the dishes all while I laid there on the couch because I was so sick I couldn't move. It just made me love him a little bit more!
I made it through the pregnancy to 38 weeks with twins, and had my first c-section. The recovery wasn't too bad, I just had a hard time getting in and out of bed the first couple of days. I would have to wake Justin up in the middle of the night to help me get out of bed so I could go to the bathroom. He did it all without complaint. He was amazing. I just loved him so much.
We had just celebrated our 11th year anniversary this past February and couldn't wait to celebrate more.
I made it through the pregnancy to 38 weeks with twins, and had my first c-section. The recovery wasn't too bad, I just had a hard time getting in and out of bed the first couple of days. I would have to wake Justin up in the middle of the night to help me get out of bed so I could go to the bathroom. He did it all without complaint. He was amazing. I just loved him so much.
We had just celebrated our 11th year anniversary this past February and couldn't wait to celebrate more.
September 1, 2009
We welcomed Jacob Arthur into our world on September 1, 2009 at a whopping 9 lbs 8 oz...and he was a week early! This was the 3 best day in my life...2nd being when Avery was born.
Justin was over the moon to have his cub. Our perfect little family..one girl..one boy. Justin deployed 3 weeks later. He was able to return home a couple of months later, when I found out that our son had a congenital heart defect, Aortic Stenosis. Jacob had a heart procedure in November that Justin was able to be here for. He was home for a month, then had to return on deployment. Jacob is doing well now.
Justin returned home in May 2010.
Our first home..
We bought our home in September 2008. We were excited at being homeowners, Justin wasn't crazy about the drive, but loved being away from the base and the fact that he could now do what ever he wanted!
We had tons of BBQ's. Justin loved to throw a good party. There were even a few that I wasn't there for! And if I was home for the party he got his tattoos on his feet...he might not have gotten them! I did not like those ones..but they were his feet..not mine. I only had to look at them when he wore flip flops..which was ALL the time!!
We were finally living our dream. Owning our own home, a cute little girl running around...and then Christmas of that year, we found out I was pregnant again. We couldn't be happier that our family was expanding.
We had tons of BBQ's. Justin loved to throw a good party. There were even a few that I wasn't there for! And if I was home for the party he got his tattoos on his feet...he might not have gotten them! I did not like those ones..but they were his feet..not mine. I only had to look at them when he wore flip flops..which was ALL the time!!
We were finally living our dream. Owning our own home, a cute little girl running around...and then Christmas of that year, we found out I was pregnant again. We couldn't be happier that our family was expanding.
December 27, 2006
Our beautiful daughter, Avery Lynn, was born. After years of trying and on the verge of having to do in-vitro, we welcomed Avery into our arms on 12-27-2006.
Justin spent 12 days with his little girl before he deployed for a year. However, we did get to meet up with him in Hawaii half way through his deployment.
The year without Justin home was hard and sad for me because he was missing all the first with Avery and our first child. But I knew he had a job to do, and that he was taking care of us.
Marine Corps
Justin joined the Marine Corps and left for boot camp on our one year wedding anniversary. It was the best decision for us at the time and has been the best decision for our family.
I have met some amazing new "family" from these past 10 years. Without the Marine Corps, we wouldn't be where we are today. Good and bad.
Justin went to San Diego for bootcamp, MCT; did a stint in Pensacola for 6 weeks, and then got orders for Camp Pendleton for his schooling to become a crew chief for the UH1 Hueys. I moved back in with my parents in Riverside since he wasn't allowed to live off base yet and we saw each other on the weekends when they..meaning the whole class..didn't get into trouble!
It was rough at first..being newly married and only seeing Justin when I could, but I knew he was just trying to do the best he could and take care of me.
Once graduated from school, we were FINALLY allowed to live together, so we got an apartment in Oceanside in August 2003. We lived like newlyweds until he deployed in December 2003. We were happy.
I made it through our first deployment. Justin never doubted that I wouldn't. He has always told me that I am a strong person, and being apart only made us stronger.
He was right. I am a strong person, and being apart only made me love him even more.
Justin deployed again in 2005, and when he returned that time..we moved on base because I had wanted to experience base living! That was Justin...always doing something for me even if he really didn't want to.
February 17, 2001
Justin and I had spent practically every day together since our first date in May of 2000. He had asked me to marry him lying in bed one night just out of the blue. He had told me he was sorry that he didn't have a ring to give me at the time, but that he felt the time was right and a ring shouldn't matter. It didn't. I was just so happy to be there with him and to know that we would be spending the rest of our lives together.
We were married on 2-17-2001. It was the most happiest day in my life at the time. I had married my best friend, and had all kinds of hopes and dreams for us.
Our first date...
As most girls do, I spent HOURS getting ready for our first date. Finally satisfied on how I looked, Justin rang the doorbell. I opened to the door to find Justin wearing a faded blue t-shirt, jeans, and old tennis shoes. I guess I expected that he too would get all "gussy-upped" for our date. But if you knew Justin, you would know that he never cared what other people thought about him or how he looked.
He took me to Bennigan's, where we met up with his best friend and his girlfriend at the time. After dinner, we all went bowling, and then Justin and I went to Denny's and talked until 4 in the morning.
I knew on our first date, that he was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
Justin was so down to earth and NOT like any of the other guys that I had dated in the past. He was fun to be around, loved people, loved GOD and wasn't afraid to show it. He was kind, thoughtful, helpful, giving, and lets not forget to mention...he was HOT!
He took me to Bennigan's, where we met up with his best friend and his girlfriend at the time. After dinner, we all went bowling, and then Justin and I went to Denny's and talked until 4 in the morning.
I knew on our first date, that he was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
Justin was so down to earth and NOT like any of the other guys that I had dated in the past. He was fun to be around, loved people, loved GOD and wasn't afraid to show it. He was kind, thoughtful, helpful, giving, and lets not forget to mention...he was HOT!
In the Beginning...
I was 24, single, and poor! And even though I was living pay check to pay check, I had decided to get a gym membership. I had been seeing commercials for Ballys gym to where I could get a membership for only 15 bucks a month on certain days and that is what I wanted as that is all I could afford. So on one warm sunny summer day before I had to work, I went into Ballys to sign up. I asked the girl behind the counter who I need to speak with about getting a membership, and she sent Justin over to me.
My first thought when he came over was WOW..he's hot! He had a big smile on his face and was (of course) overly friendly. He showed me around the gym all the while using his sells tactic of flirting to convince me that Ballys was the right gym for me. I can honestly tell you...that I don't remember the tour of the gym because I was staring at his butt the entire time! Justin had a nice butt!
So, after lots of flirting, and me not paying any attention to what I was being told or sold for that matter...I went in only wanting to pay 15 bucks a month, and walked out paying 80 bucks a month with a 2 year contract! I got totally suckered!!
Over the course of the week, Justin would call and ask me how I was doing at the gym, and then finally one day he asked me what I was doing one Saturday. I cooly, replied "I don't plan my weekends, they just happen" and his response was "Well, then your are going out with me." It was very matter of factly! I felt like a little school girl! I was so excited!!
My first thought when he came over was WOW..he's hot! He had a big smile on his face and was (of course) overly friendly. He showed me around the gym all the while using his sells tactic of flirting to convince me that Ballys was the right gym for me. I can honestly tell you...that I don't remember the tour of the gym because I was staring at his butt the entire time! Justin had a nice butt!
So, after lots of flirting, and me not paying any attention to what I was being told or sold for that matter...I went in only wanting to pay 15 bucks a month, and walked out paying 80 bucks a month with a 2 year contract! I got totally suckered!!
Over the course of the week, Justin would call and ask me how I was doing at the gym, and then finally one day he asked me what I was doing one Saturday. I cooly, replied "I don't plan my weekends, they just happen" and his response was "Well, then your are going out with me." It was very matter of factly! I felt like a little school girl! I was so excited!!
Preface
After many suggestions of writing down my thoughts and feelings, I have decided that is probably the best thing to do. Not just for me, but so our children can get to know who their daddy was. A great husband, loving father, and over all awesome guy!
This blog will entail my life as I once knew it and how I now know it.
This blog will entail my life as I once knew it and how I now know it.
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